5 top tips for navigating the Fourth Trimester with confidence (my experience after birthing two babies)
Congratulations, your baby is here! (or soon to be!).
The ‘Fourth Trimester’ refers to the first 3 months of your baby’s life earth-side and is a new and exciting chapter. There are of course, lots to navigate, learn and adapt to and taking each day one at a time, or even one hour at a time, is my first tip!
Here, I am sharing my 5 top tips on how to navigate this stage, whilst prioritising your wellbeing as well as your beautiful new bundle of joy.
Please note: These tips are based on my own opinion and from my own experience. I am not providing any clinical/medical advice, and should you feel you need more support during this time please do reach out to your health care professionals.
My baby boy Wilf (2nd born)
Okay, here we go!
Tip number 1. I can’t stress this one enough – have healthy, home cooked (or store bought – no judgement here) meals in the freezer ready beforehand (in abundance!
I didn’t do this enough and quite quickly realised that a quick slice of toast and a spoonful of chocolate spread out of the tub here and there isn’t going to nourish my body , help heal my body from birth or provide the energy I need to get through the sleepless nights. I was craving healthy, wholesome meals (most of the time). Thankfully I had amazing friends that dropped off meals (I am forever grateful) and my sister ordered me some healthy meals from a company online. My family and Husband really did look after me and cooked for me too which I was so grateful for, but for the times I was solo with my little boy, having these in the freezer would have been a game changer. This was even more important after my 2nd birth when I had a toddler running around too. Having meals and snacks ready to whip out for him too was so, so helpful.
Tip for people who knows someone about to have a baby – when you visit, if you take them a meal or cook them food when you see them, they will be so thankful and remember that forever.
Tip number 2. It is okay to ask for and accept help; but it is also okay to have some alone time as a family first, to bond with your baby.
I see a lot online on social media regarding tips about visitors. About how you should tell family and friends that you will let them know when you are ready for them to come and visit after your baby is born. I of course agree with this and think there should be no pressure when it comes to visitors, but for a lot of people it might not feel quite as easy or as straight forward as this.
Some people may have that relationship with family or friends where they are able to say, hang on a sec whilst we get used to our new-newborn life and soak it all in, we will let you know when we feel ready for you to come. For other people, they feel like this could start conflict or offence, so might want to think about how best to communicate this before hand or they may feel they do want visitors for support, but don’t want people to come to ‘just hold the baby’. Help with the washing, cooking a meal, tidying or perhaps looking after an older child for an hour? How dreamy is that?!
There are no rules or one size fits all approach to this, of course. But my advice would be to think about what you want this time to look like.
Some food for thought: Do you want visitors and how soon after? Do you want to limit to one visitor a day, or 3 a week, for example? Do you want to provide some expectations beforehand of what you’d like support with? Do you want to send a universal message to all the family and friends, so it isn’t personal, and people are less likely to be offended?
It goes without saying that you can change your mind too, as you may feel differently once your beautiful baby arrives about previous decisions and that is okay! Those who care shouldn’t mind and should respect your decision’s, however that looks.
Newborn snuggles (my first baby, Albert)
Tip number 3. Take it slow (sounds too obvious, right?)
With my first baby, I remember thinking oh my gosh, should we be going on our first walk now? Should we be trialling out the car seat and getting him used to car journeys etc...do we need to be doing something?
In hindsight, there was absolutely no need for any of this. Having PJ days, (I lived in PJ’s for weeks let me tell you), newborn cuddles and just taking it slow is so much more realistic… and enjoyable! Especially as you are recovering from birth, you have a new addition to the family, you have a new routine (or no routine more like), hormones are still circulating your body like crazy, so going slow, for me, was what I needed to do to be kind to myself. You will never get the newborn cuddles back either and they are just the best best best. Soaking them all in is just pure joy.
This time, singing to, feeding, cuddling, and caring for your baby is so great for their development but also great for you to find your way of doing things, there is no one right way to parenting but actually lots of ways to parent well.
Listen to your intuition too though, so when you do feel ready to get out and about, go for it! But let it be on your terms. Everyone is different, listen to your body and think about what is best for you and your little family.
Tip number 4. Know it is normal for babies to wake A LOT through the night.
The age-old question you will be asked 8 million times by EVERYONE is ‘how are they sleeping?’, ‘Are they sleeping through yet?’ Firstly, most adults don’t even sleep through the night, this expectation that babies should is wild to me and I cannot get my head around it.
Secondly, babies naturally wake in the night, it is natures protection against Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, known as SIDS, it also establishes breastfeeding, if you do choose to breastfeed.
Thirdly, they are brand new little babies that have been close to mama for 9 months, the outside world is scary, and they want to feel safe and protected, which they feel by being with you! It’s completely natural and normal! It is very common for babies to wake through the night multiple times, for the first few YEARS or their life. The phrase ‘I slept like a baby’ is a funny saying because it makes me think like what? Waking up all night? The nights can seem long but honestly, looking at your newborn in the quiet of the night, feeding and close to you is just the most special experience ever. I also researched safe co -sleeping because it is, of course, very tiring and it can be dangerous to fall asleep whilst caring for you baby in the night. There is lots of great info out there about safe co-sleeping (whether you choose to do this or not it’s good to be aware of) as it explains safe ways to position yourself and how not to position yourself when up with them during the night. I really enjoy @happycosleeper on Instagram for co-sleeping info.
Of course lack of sleep can be really tough though and can affect our wellbeing. I won’t tell you to ‘sleep when the baby does’ because I don’t think that’s realistic at all. But if you are able to get a bit of help through the day, try and have a nap. Eat plenty, drink lots of water, try and look after yourself the best you can because your wellbeing matters too.
Please note: there may be other reasons babies wake a lot through the night, from feeding support issues, to health conditions so of course, always trust what you think is right and if that means seeing a GP or your health visitor, of course do this! Especially in the early days we sometimes really want that reassurance and it’s okay to ask for that.
Blurry photo of me and Wilf one night! We had the projector on which he loved to look at (still does!). This view was a very common one in the early days.
Tip number 5. Last but not least – trust your instincts.
Your mind and body will tell you how best to look after your baby, you will ‘just know’, but you have to lean into this and listen in. I have never received so much advice (often not asked for) regarding how to raise and look after my baby. YOU are their mama, and you will know. Listen to what feels right for you and the bond you create with your baby through this is a feeling that can’t be described. You’ve got this!
I listened to a podcast recently and Fearne Cotton actually spoke about advice being ‘someone’s nostalgia’ especially when it comes to motherhood. She was explaining that others who advise this and that when it comes to being a mother are often reliving their previous experiences looking after a small baby, and what worked for them. All babies are different right? All mothers are different. And things change… how we parent now is not probably the same in a lot of ways of how parents ‘parented’ in the 70’s… you know?
Let’s wrap this up!
Lastly, you are absolutely amazing and the fourth trimester is such an amazing and wonderful time, full of so many firsts and so much love.
If you do find yourself struggling though, please know that this is completely normal too for so many and that you aren’t alone. With all the hormones in your body and a big life changing event, it can affect people in different ways. My second postpartum experience was SO different to my first. I felt guilty, tearful, very upset and scared. I had a lot of intrusive thoughts too. Knowing this was very common did help me and as my hormones levelled out, so did how I felt internally. But for some women this can continue into Post Natal Depression and/or Post Natal Anxiety. I don’t know if that’s what mine ‘was’, (maybe it was)… but I did know I felt like if it was to continue I was going to ask for more help professionally.
I want to tell you right now that this does not reflect your capabilities or love for your children as a mother. It doesn’t. You needing time to heal, adapt and rebalance physically, mentally and emotionally does not affect your worth as a mother or a woman or a human. You are amazing. It may just mean you need to reach out for additional support, such as through your midwife, health visitor or GP and that is ok. That is ok.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this blog, I hope you took something from it and good luck with the fourth trimester and beyond. I am so proud of you. Yes you. You are amazing. Mothers are amazing. We’re in this together! You’ve got this.
Donna xxxx
Donna (me!), mum of 2 boys, Hypnobirthing Instructor and lover of cake and cups of tea
Currently reading this whilst pregnant and wanting to get prepared for birth? Did you know I am also a Hypnobirthing Instructor and I support women like you through my Hypnobirthing and birth prep course to feel really confident and even excited for birth! Learn more below!
Useful links from this blog:
Safer sleep overview | The Lullaby Trust
Co-sleeping | The Lullaby Trust
@happycosleeper (Instagram)
@cosleepy (Instagram)